Accidental mom

One of my very best friends from childhood and still today wrote a beautiful blog post on all the things she wants to be and do for her children. If you don't follow her, you should. She's pretty amazing.

http://roerandomness.blogspot.com/2014/01/not-resolution-but-my-hope.html?m=1

Her post was incredibly inspiring and also left me feeling incredibly inadequate! No offense intended, as I understand it was her sincere thoughts and goals of how she wants to improve her own mothering.

I just find myself feeling buried by the duties of motherhood about 98% of the time. The other 2% is around 8:30pm when the kids are in bed, sleeping! Am I alone here? I feel like I'm not helping Jayda enough with her school work, or spending enough time teaching either of them. Jayda isn't doing very good in math and her teacher has recommended she reads each night to improve her reading accuracy. But do you think I can figure out a way to make her find reading and math fun? Uh no. By the time I get supper on the table and the kitchen cleaned up, all I really want to do is crash on the couch and have just a moment (or an hour) of "doing nothing" time. Then I feel awful that she struggles with math, because her mom is too lazy to help her :(

Next year will be a whole new ball game when I have TWO in school. How will I keep up then? Two kids to supply weekly treats for. Two to keep up with homework on. Oy. This is EXACTLY why we do NOT need another child. I'm barely staying afloat as it is. AND I don't even know how to swim!!

Then of course there's the whole other aspect of mothering and playing the role of the nurturer. I know I fail at this daily, simply because I'm a bit of an unsympathetic person. It's not that I don't care. I care very much, I just have a very low tolerance for whining and self pity. Basically a "suck it up, sister" outlook on life in general. And I realize that this outlook doesn't always fit for parenting a child! Jayda came home last week from school and said she had a bad day. I asked her what happened and she said her "friend" was mean to her at recess and basically made her feel inferior because she is just a second grader and this friend is a third grader. Her words were pretty cruel and it immediately pissed me off. I easily go into defense mode when she is treated badly, and really wanted to spout off what Jayda should have replied to her. Except I'm glad she didn't! Instead I told her to remember how that made her feel, and to make sure she never treated someone like that (namely her little sister). I doubt the lesson will stick with her very long, but worth a try.

I know I fail them everyday, and honestly do not know how to be a better mother. As the title of the post states, I am completely an "accidental mother." Having children was never my life goal. I would not change anything for the world now that I have them, but I often feel not worthy of raising them.

I lose my patience too often, I yell too much. I fail to build them up and help them blossom. BUT, I want to do better. Each day I set out to do better. To make it through our morning drive without yelling at them, to make it home, without yelling at them! Anyone who has been in a car with kids, should understand how difficult this can be! Some days we make it, some days we don't! Some days we have to go to Lowe's with them and my urge to choke them escalates significantly. I have to give them credit for hanging in there with us throughout this whole house building process. It has not been easy on any of us. They have spent far to many hours in Menards and Lowes and carpet stores than I ever wanted to. They have spent countless weekends inside watching netflix and taking care of themselves, and dealing with the stress of everything this project has put upon their parents has been a side effect. We keep telling ourselves, in the end it will be worth it. And I sure hope it is!